


i would have died (i would have loved you).

by redhoods



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2012-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:58:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhoods/pseuds/redhoods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s muffled talking, arguing almost as he rounds the corner, there’s red on the pavement, on the corner of Alec’s lips, up by Alec’s hairline, then there’s red in his own vision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_He’s walking at his usual pace, a little faster than what could be considered normal, hands tucked into his pockets, eyes scanning over the area as he walks. He can’t place the sounds a first, the muffled thud of something hitting something else, the slap of a foot on concrete, and then there’s a pained grunt. And he’s running. Feet slamming against the pavement in an attempt to propel himself even faster, breathes heaving out, heart working overtime._

_“Alec!”_

_He doesn’t really recognize his own voice._

_“Alec!”_

_There’s muffled talking, arguing almost as he rounds the corner, there’s red on the pavement, on the corner of Alec’s lips, up by Alec’s hairline, then there’s red in his own vision. He barely registers what he’s doing as he punches and kicks, jabs and elbows, sickening crunches and thuds resounding through the alleyway. His nose is bleeding when he’s done, maybe two broken ribs and his ankle is twinging, but there’s blood pooling around the three bodies on the ground that aren’t Alec so he feels momentary satisfaction._

_He hits his knees by Alec’s body, careful as he lifts Alec into his arms, cradling Alec against his chest. “Alec, Alec, Alec,” he chants it several times, waiting until Alec’s blue eyes blink at him, bleary and hazy, “Parabatai?”_

_Alec coughs a few times, blood spattering as he does so. “Jace.”_

\--

Jace sits bolt upright in bed, sweat coating his skin, heart pounding, and chest tight. He slides out of the bed, padding on the carpeted floor to the bathroom. The cold water he splashes on his face helps get rid of the remnants of his nightmare, though there are still dark circles under his eyes. He dries his hands and face off and looks back to the mirror. Absently, Jace brings his hand up and traces it over the lines of the rune on his chest.

Shaking his head at himself, he runs his hand through his hair roughly, resigns himself to a haircut as he goes back into the room, dragging his bag up to the bed, tugging it open. He pulls out a shirt and jeans, tugging them on haphazardly. Gathering the last of his meager belongings, Jace shoves them into his bag and tugs the zippers closed roughly, shouldering the bag.

He pockets his money and passport, holding the key card in his hand as he leaves the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

\--

_Jace nods at Alec, fingers scrambling to do something, anything, wanting to get to his stele so he can draw a rune, something to help the bleeding or the pain that Alec’s obviously in. “Parabatai, what?” Jace wants to do something, wants to help, but he just doesn’t know._

_Alec’s fingers are curled into Jace’s shirt, gripping it tightly with both hands, his face turned in towards Jace’s chest, “Parabatai,” he states softly, moving his hand to grab Jace’s chin, catching his gaze._

_“Yeah?”_

_Alec opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but he ends up coughing, more blood dribbling out of his mouth and Jace has never felt more helpless in his life, “Parabatai?”_

_Letting his eyes close, Alec lets out a soft groan of pain, “I -” he breaks off, eyes opening, still hazy, “I -” he stops again, cut off by another cough and it’s wet with blood and Jace hears the sound echoing in his brain. “I love you,” he manages finally, blue eyes focused intently on Jace’s face._

_Jace nods, several times, fingers running over Alec’s cheeks, “I know, parabatai,” he states softly, resting his forehead against Alec’s, taking deep breaths, hating how uneven and rough Alec’s are, how sluggish his heartbeat is. “I love you.”_

_Alec shakes his head, fingers still gripped on to Jace’s chin, “Don’t -”_

_“Don’t do this to me, Alexander Lightwood,” Jace states, voice determined, “Don’t you dare.”_

_Eyes widened, Alec blinks a few times. “What?”_

_“You’re not taking this away from me,” Jace adds, voice still a little forceful, “I love you. This is probably the shittiest timing I’ve ever had in my life, which i realize, but better late than never, you told me that.”_

_Alec looks like he wants to laugh or cry or something, not that Jace is sure of what it is that he wants to do. “Sorry,” he murmurs and Jace has to shake his head._

_“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Jace states, “I do. You don’t,” he’s starting to feel panic and maybe a little dread and why is he still sitting here and not getting Alec somewhere that he can get help? “Alright. We’re going to the Institute.”_

\--

Goa is bustling with people, shouting and rushing around in bright colors, Jace’s shirt sticks to him the instant he steps onto the street, easily squeezing his way through the people as he heads for Dabolim Airport. He isn’t sure where it is that he’s headed next but he’ll figure it out, he’s sure.

\--

_Jace has an arm around Alec’s shoulders, the other arm under Alec’s knees, trying to keep him stable as he heads for the Institute. His heart is pounding, but Alec’s is sluggish against his arm where Alec’s back is braced against it. “Alec, you have to stay with me. Parabatai.”_

_Alec tips his head back a little from where it was pressed to Jace’s neck, “I’m here,” he mutters, but his voice is mostly gone._

_Alec is mostly gone._

_Jace wants to collapse, Alec’s not going to make it and they both know it. The Institute is still over ten blocks away._

\--

The airport isn’t as packed as it was the day Jace flew in, so he makes it to the counter quickly, eyes already taking in the list of flights, “One for Britain,” he murmurs, setting his passport down on the counter.

Lifting an eyebrow, the woman behind the counter observes him as she works on getting his ticket, “Not from there, are you?”

He shakes his head, leaning on the counter and looking out at the airport. “No. Just a stop between here and home.”

“Where?”

“New York City.”

\--

_Jace can’t feel Alec’s heart beating by the time he makes it to the Institute steps. He steps him down on the top step, shouting hoarsely towards the building, hoping to draw some one’s attention to them. He stops to look back down at Alec, fingers searching for a pulse frantically. “Alec, parabatai, Alec, please.”_

_Alec makes a soft pained sound, dragging a rugged breath, his hand curling weakly around Jace’s, “Parabatai.”_

_“I’m here, I’m here,” Jace states, pulling Alec into his arms again, turning to shout towards the building, as loud as he can manage._

_“Parabatai,” Alec says again and Jace barely hears him over his own screaming._

_Jace nods, pressing his lips to Alec’s forehead, tears starting to slip down his cheeks before he even realizes it. “Shh, it’s okay,” he mutters and they both know he’s lying._

_He shouts again and hears something fall upstairs. Jace looks back to Alec, shifting him to lay on the step. “I love you, Alec,” he mutters, feeling Alec’s hand press to his chest where his heart is._

_Jace’s world falls apart when Alec’s hand goes slack._

\--

Jace spends the entirety of his flight with his hands gripping tightly onto the arm rests. It’s only Britain, but Britain means he’s one step closer to being home. He’s not sure he can do it, but he can’t keep avoiding it for the rest of his life and he knows it.

He gets off the plane listlessly, fingers wrapped around the strap of his bag, pulling his passport out with his other hand. He doesn’t really hear anything going on around him as he goes through the airport, headed to book himself another flight and then probably get his hands on a hotel room for the night.

\--

_He’s running, sneakers slapping on the pavement, chest heaving. He’s not sure where he’s running this time, no goal in mind like the last time he had run like this._

_Except maybe he has a goal._

_Away._

_He just has to go away, unsure of where away was. He couldn’t stay in New York City, though. Not now, not after that._

_Jace wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t brave enough. Even more so without Alec by his side._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace feels like bashing his head into the brick wall of the building to his right when he realizes what the building is. It makes his heart clench, but he pulls the door open anyone, eyes on the ‘for sale’ sign.

Jace isn’t sure where it is that he’s going, walking through New York City. He feels like a shell, like he’s missing part of himself.

He is though.

He can try and deny it, but that’s all he can do. Try. It doesn’t work very well though. He can’t deny, never has been able to, never will be able to, Alec was a part of him. 

A major part of him. 

The good part of him.

Alec was the one thing that kept him from doing life risking things, or, maybe, Alec was the one that kept him from doing anything too life risking, because with Alec...with Alec, he had a reason to come home, a reason to want to live for another day.

Jace feels like bashing his head into the brick wall of the building to his right when he realizes what the building is. It makes his heart clench, but he pulls the door open anyone, eyes on the ‘for sale’ sign.

\--

It takes a month for everything to work out and settle down and then Jace is owner of a small hole in the wall bookshop with barely any customers, barely any chance of profit, and a small apartment above it. 

If Jace had anything besides a bag of clothes, the apartment would probably be cramped, but it’s not really. The previous owner, an old man looking to move south to live near his grandkids, had been nice enough to leave Jace some of the necessities. Sheets, blankets, whatever was in the fridge, some kitchenware and appliances. It doesn’t leave him with much stuff to have to buy to furnish the place.

He considers calling Isabelle.

\--

He’s been the owner of the bookshop for two weeks and has had maybe four customers, but he doesn’t care, he’s worked himself into a routine. He gets up, gets a shower, works out for an hour or two, opens the bookstore, works on taking inventory of all the books, setting some off to the side.

Trying to take inventory takes up most of his time because the previous owner had no catalogue of his books, no system, just books stuck on shelves in random order.

Jace can’t stand the chaos.

\--

Inventory gets boring after a while and Jace’s hand starts to cramp, so he rifles through the pile of books he’s set aside, picks one to start reading. He runs his fingers over the cover, over some of the pages, feels his heart start splintering even more.

The memories are fresh in his head. All of them.

The ones of Alec reading the books he has piled on the check out desk to his right, the ones of Alec reading the book spread open in his lap, the ones of Alec dying.

It’s like a montage going on in his mind, replaying it all over and over again, to the point where Jace can’t even start to try and heal, because the wound is just being pulled open once more by his own mind.

He blames himself.

\--

Jace is lost in the shelves when the bell chimes, “I’ll be right with you!” He calls, setting the book and the clipboard down on his stool and brushing his hands off on his pants as he winds his way out of the stacks out towards the front. He nearly falls flat on his face, pure unbalance brought on by the male in front of him.

He doesn’t look too much older than Jace is, but Jace can’t even draw his gaze from the male’s eyes. A startlingly clear blue color that Jace hasn’t been able to shake from his mind since Alec died in his arms. He sucks in a ragged breath, sits in the chair behind the desk heavily.

The male looks a little concerned, a little more lost though.

Jace pulls himself together, rubs a hand over his chest, before looking to the male. “Can I help you find something?”

The guy’s eyebrows pull in tight and Jace’s heart jack hammers. “I don’t know.”

“Well, is there anything specific you’re looking for? Or maybe something general?”

He looks frustrated, but not with Jace, maybe with himself and pushes a hand through his hair. “This is going to sound...odd,” he licks his lips and turns his blue eyes back to Jace, “But this place just...feels familiar.”

Jace’s eyebrows furrow before he can stop himself.

“A few years ago,” he makes a gesture, “I woke up in the hospital with no memories, no recollection, no idea who I was, am,” the guy talks slowly, “Apparently I had been in a coma for months, no one knew who I was, no missing person’s reports,” he shrugs then, eyebrows still furrowed, “I still don’t have any memories. I knew things though, when I woke up. I knew where places were, things like that.”

Jace nods slowly, not sure what he’s supposed to say.

“I had to take rehab, rebuild my muscles for walking and stuff,” he’s still talking slowly, like he’s unsure of why he’s saying all this, “The nurses and doctors just called me John, like John Doe,” he adds, running his fingers through his hair, “When I was released, I didn’t have anywhere to go. I lived on the streets. This guy, person, I don’t know, tried to jump me one night. I knocked him out in what felt like seconds, with no real idea of how I managed it.”

“So...is this the only place that seems familiar?”

The guy shrugs, “A few other places have, but this one is the most...” he trails off like he’s thinking of a word, “Distinct? I guess. The other places were just restaurants, things like that,” he adds then.

Jace nods once more, rubs a hand over the back of his neck, “Well, I just bought this place a few weeks ago, but you’re welcome to look around, see if anything jogs your memory.”

The guy nods. “Um, I guess you can just call me John?”

“Jace.”

The guy - John - watches him for a moment and it makes Jace shift.

“That’s a really good book,” John states then, soft and a little unsure, gesturing to the book open on the desk that Jace had been reading before taking a break to do inventory.

Jace feels...feels like he wants to pass out or smack himself or pinch himself or...

Jace isn’t really sure what he feels.


End file.
